Q: How do you "boot" your computer?
A: Kick it real hard. If this doesn't work, repeat.
If, after several attempts, this still doesn't work, your
computer is broken.
Q: What are MB and GB?
A: Tiny little elves that make your computer run.
The big elves are called "MB," and the tiny elves are called
"GB," so you definitely want more big elves than small elves.
The more elves you have, the better your computer is. For
example, your computer "should have at least 32 MBs and, like,
6 or 8 GBs." This is so there are enough elves that they can
take turns and not get tired.
Q: What are Unix, Linux, MacOS, and BeOS?
A: Bad things that make your computer incompatible
with Windows 95 or 98. Remember that if your computer does not
run Windows 95, you may be susceptible to a "DOS attack,"
meaning that your computer doesn't have a DOS prompt. This is
Q: What is a "hacker?"
A: A hAx0r is a k3wl d00d, has l33t sKillZ with a
r00t k1t and 0wNz y00. You too can be a hacker if you a.) read
the "Buqtraq" mailing list but have no idea what any of it is
about, b.) show your "mad skillz" by eventually figuring out
how to download SNES ROMs, and c.) have the requisite number
Q: How do you add more RAM to a computer?
A: First, go to your local computer store and tell
them that you want "more MBs." When they ask you how much,
just tell them "a lot," but show them that you are
computer-savvy and won't be ripped off by insisting that you
get a number of MBs that isn't divisible by two. When they
eventually give up and give you a "RAM chip," go home and put
it into the slot where floppy disks go. If it doesn't fit, you
just need to push it in real hard. If your computer doesn't
work after this, go back to the computer store and tell them
that they sold you bad MBs.
Q: Your ISP says you should use "FTP" to publish
your web site. Should you do this?
A: No. They are kidding you, since "FTP" only
delivers flowers. Instead, you should outsmart them and use
Microsoft FrontPage, which does not use "FTP" or any other
"standard" known to "anyone" except "Microsoft." Join the hive
mind! Conform! Conform!
Q: Where is the CD-ROM located on your computer?
A: It doesn't have one. They removed it to install a
Q: How do you log onto the web and surf your e-mail?
A: Double-click the AOL icon, then call tech
support. They may suggest that you do things like buy a
"modem" or "get a phone cord" but this is not true and you
should angrily tell them that you want them to send you an
upgraded CD which has those things built in. Then wait.
Q: Your ISP says you should use "SSH" to connect to
your server. Should you?
A: No. "SSH!" makes your computer very quiet and
turns off your sound card, so you should call your ISP and
insist that they use a louder protocol that supports your
Q: How can you be just like a real techie who works
at an ISP?
A: Frequently use the word "irrelevant," but never
spell it correctly. Try "irrelivant," "irelivent," and "irrevelant"
to start with, but be sure to develop your own sub-literate
variations for extra coolness!
Q: Which is better, a Compaq, a Dell, or a Gateway?
A: Don't be tricked into joining these irrelivant
technical arguments. A Compaq is something girls use to put on
make-up; a Dell is something farmers live in; and a Gateway is
like marijuana, which makes you try heroin. Insist that the
best computers are judged by how many MBs and GBs it has, and
whether they are friendly elves or angry elves (which cause
computers to crash).
Q: How do you install a PCI card?
A: "PCI" stands for "Push it into the floppy drive
slot CI." Jam it really hard if it doesn't work the first
Q: Why aren't your "Floppy Disks" floppy?
A: This is because you have let them get too cold
and brittle. Put them in the microwave for 6-8 minutes, and
they should be suitably soft. This method also works with RAM
chips and PCI cards.
Q: On a Macintosh computer, how do you a.) start a
program, b.) open a directory, and c.) shut down the computer?
A: On a Macintosh, there is no "Start" button, so
there is no way to do any of these things.
Q: Are there any books you should read to figure out
how your computer works?
A: Your computer manufacturer may include a thin
book called a "Manual," but you should NEVER read this, as it
will void your warranty. Most computer books for real techies
are disguised in code, and are written under the pseudonym of
"H.P. Lovecraft." Follow these instructions completely, except
substitute "Cthulu" for "your hard drive" and "the
Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Al-Hazred" for "the 'Start'
Q: Should you "back up" my computer?
A: NO! When you "back up" your computer, it erases
all of the good data off of it! You should keep your important
data and documents only in one place, or - even better - save
them all to unlabeled floppy disks. For safe keeping, you
should store these around powerful magnets which will keep
them safe from viruses.
Q: How do you add a Zip drive to your computer?
A: Some Zip drives are sold without the required
Zipper. If you buy a Zip drive and it does not have one,
complain to the manufacturer. If they refuse to provide you
with one, you can add one yourself by taking off your pants,
and ripping the zipper off and gluing it to the front of the
drive. Once you have done this, it should work fine, without
you even needing to plug it in. If the manufacturer's tech
support representatives tell you otherwise, tell them that you
aren't wearing any pants now. Ask to speak to their
supervisors until you have escalated to their company CEO.
Wait for a call.
Q: What is a "driver"?
A: Drivers are necessary for your computer, but they
need to be "designated" in order to work. For each peripheral
which is attached to your computer, drink 8-10 shots of "Old
Crow" bourbon, then call up the manufacturer and demand that
they supply you with a "designated driver." Don't stop until
Q: What does a software EULA (End User License
A: Most people don't read this agreement thoroughly
enough to realize that it requires you to upload a copy
of your software to an Internet "warez" site, including your
serial number and home address. If you don't do this, you will
violate the agreement, and the software company's lawyers will
own your house. If you follow these instructions, however, the
software company's lawyers will own your house.
Q: If someone wants to become a computer programmer,
but lacks basic literacy skills, can they still do it?
A: Yes. Buy a copy of Microsoft Visual Basic. It has
been shown in laboratory studies that the average chimpanzee
can, with Visual Basic, create a new program which exploits
some security hole in Microsoft Outlook within 10-15 minutes
of random clicking on pictures. Your results may vary,
depending on whether you have learned to use your opposable
Q: How do you check your computer for viruses?
A: Purchase a stethoscope and attach it to your
computer. Open a program, then listen for a "whirring" sound.
If you hear this, your computer is "coughing" due to a virus.
Move this program to the Recycle Bin and empty it. Also do
this anytime you save a document and it makes this sound.
Repeat this process until the only time your computer makes
these sounds is when it starts up. Then use the "Start" button
to get a MS-DOS prompt, and type "
This should fix the problem.
Q: When should you upgrade your software?
A: Many software companies will try to trick you
into using plain old software by announcing something as a
"release." Instead, try to find software which is listed as
"beta," which is even better (the smaller the number, the more
"correct" the software is). Best of all is software which is
called "alpha." Upgrade to this immediately, and do not back
up your old software, since the old version sucks.
Q: If your computer has a problem, how do you fix
A: Hit it with a large stick. This will show your
computer who is the boss. Once you have plenty of dents in it,
ship it back to the manufacturer and complain to them about
how many defects it had and how you had to "school it" by
"tanning its hide, just like you do to your kids." Eventually,
people will show up from a software company called "Child
Protective Services" and mistakenly try to fix your kids. Beat
them with a stick as necessary and insist that they fix your