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DSL Service provided by SchnellNet

SchnellNet is proud to announce our own DSL service to customers for only three dollars a month. DSL offers you download speeds of up to 400 terabytes per second* and upload speeds of a billion jillion times regular modem access**.

Why is it so cheap? Well, it's none of your darn business. Stop asking questions and sign up today!

*Disclaimers.

  • Extra $1 charge per TCP ACK packet
  • Extra $3 per month charge for DNS
  • Extra $8 per month charge for our DNS not being intentionally messed up
  • Extra $10 per month charge for us not plugging your line into the coffee maker instead of a router
  • Extra $18 per month charge if you send TCP packets over the line
  • Extra $21 per month charge if your operating system doesn't support IPv7
  • Extra $29 per month charge if giant blue doggies from the Candy Planet don't eat your circuit
  • Extra $42 per month charge for us not running our DSL frame cloud into a 2400 baud connection to GEnie
  • Extra $56 per month charge for ... you know, whatever.
  • Extra $63 per month charge for access to anything besides Gopher.
  • Extra $70 per month charge if your line is actually provisioned and installed before 2009
  • Extra $156 per month charge for insurance expenses incurred every time one of our employees goes on a suicide mission to the local telco to get your line actually installed because your telco is a bunch of fat losers who sit around watching 'Montel' all day and wouldn't know a FOC date if it came up and bit them on the butt.
  • Extra $479 per month charge just because we hate people and we don't like you

* Results may vary. Your results will probably suck.

** Figure based on a modem sending morse code via UPS six-day ground delivery.
 

 


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